Thinking out Loud or That Stupid Little Twinge

I warn anyone that is about to read this post that I am merely thinking aloud here. I am going to ponder over something and it might not be the best of reads. If you are still interested in lingering on, bravo ye brave space pirate. Here goes... The more that I have been hanging out with Terena (thus far we have progressed to the kissing stage of things) the more I have noticed a little twinge in the back of my head. That is not to say that I never noticed it before, but now I am addressing it. Whenever there has been a girl that I have liked, a small little feeling, which I assume is jealousy, pops into the back of my head when another guy does certain things. Those things might be commenting about her to his friends, talking to her, leering at her, or merely being her friend from before. When I first noticed this feeling, I tended to justify it by saying that "other guys are only interested in one thing, they don't respect her, they aren't interested in her as a person, they objectify her, they just want to get into her pants at some point, etc" That is to say, I was putting myself ahead of others for the reason that I thought I was after something more substantial than just a "good time." When I finally entered into a serious relationship with Karla (at least at first) I put that feeling into a different level. It became stronger. That was due to the fact that Karla was fairly striking and many guys would leer at her. I thought to myself sometimes, that it was my duty to keep her safe. As that relationship progressed and I became less and less interested the feeling tended to only pop in at infrequent intervals. Now with Terena, at least last night, I felt that little twinge again. At this point, I have no justification for it. I have only done the whole evening of kissing thing with her twice, so I have no real claim or anything. But for some reason the fact that she has a great deal of guy friends conjured up the slight jealous feeling. The more I think about it, the more stupid it is. Maybe deep down I want the girl I am with to only have girl friends (or at least primarily) in the same vein that I mostly have guy friends. Maybe I think deep down that guys and girls can't really maintain a platonic relationship without someone having feelings. Perhaps this sentiment arises from a cynicism about the average guys constant want for sex from anyone who is carrying the correct utensils. This is irrational, as I know a great many guys that have friends that are girls. Maybe I am unconvinced that, given the opportunity, they would say no to sex with any one of those girls who happen to be friends. Would I??? I sometimes place myself on a pedestal because I have said no to sex a few times. Why do I do this? I am not the only one to have done this. And my reasons were more to keep my own self opinion higher. If I do not engage in rampant sex with lots of girls then I am "better" than the crowd. Then again, why does that even matter? Why do I always have to be better than everyone else in my "self." Is my knowledge and interest base of subjects really that elevating? I mean sure I am interested in the world beyond myself, but so are many others... It must be the cynicism that I have with regards to "society" and its blindness to what is really going on in the world. My self-aggrandizing ways stem from that. Because I am not a "mindless sheep" consuming and doing "nothing" I think I am better. The average person that I see (at bars, or wherever) is seemingly content with watching football, going to the bar, getting hosed, chasing skirts, etc. They don't seem to be looking for anything more to life. Maybe I need to try harder to find what it is that I am looking for in life. I have studied some oriental philosophy and found it very intriguing. The concept of the Tao, the wisdom of Shambhalla, etc. I try to focus more on figuring out who I really am, but sometimes get too caught up in the "world." With things like school, job, hobbies, etc. Maybe I need to seriously take time out and meditate on things. But I am so damn fidgety. It's freakin' hard to sit still for prolonged periods of time. Fuck. The whole fact that it is hard is the point. If you can't get past the simple fact of sitting still, you are never going to find "yourself." I seriously need to slow down a little. Damn, I sure seem to have strayed a little from the concept of jealousy. Oh well, I'll get back to it now. The thing with Terena is that I have no base for feeling any form of jealousy. Not just with her, with anyone. I need to focus on how jealousy forms. It seems to come from the thought that someone likes someone else better than you. By merely telling myself that the person I am currently with (in this case Terena) is with my by choice, I should be able to get over it. It could also come from not being "the first." Why does that even matter? Who gives a damn about the past of someone, it's the present that should matter. I just have to keep the thought that the other person's past has made them what they are today. After the situation with Karla, I know that I need to get over people's past "encounters." Her (moderately) extensive list of previous "rendezvous' " was a stumbling block for me. I think it was due to the whole STD scare that she had. I don't ever want to get an STD. I want to be clean! Although the more I think about it, the more I think that this is just another form of putting myself on the peak, so to speak (that rhymed!) If I am "not infected" than that puts me a notch above everyone who is. Why the fuck does that matter? It's weird because I am a firm believer in social equality. I think that everyone should be treated equal. So then why should I try to find ways for myself to be better than others... Maybe I am just trying to find a way for me to feel "special." Instead of focusing on what I can do good, which, when I do, I just get the feeling that I am not all that good at it... someone else is way better. But I am good at things... I think that I have a really strong creative side, that when unleashed, has greatness in it. I just need to have more faith in myself. Maybe all of this simply boils down to my sometimes low sense of self worth in myself. The need to put myself higher, the slight twinge of jealousy... they both seem to stem from my lack of ego. I know that sometimes I project a sense of ego externally, but really I don't have one... In fact, mine is more of a negative ego. It tends to put me down more than it builds me up. I am tempted to say that I should just ignore this, but then the only real way to truly know yourself is to examine what you feel and think. The more I focus on what the root of my feelings are, the better off I will be. When I started this post, I hoped that I could get over feeling that little twinge of jealousy over girls. I think that I am getting closer to that goal. I know that I would never let my jealousy come out... it is always something that I would deal with on my own, but I hope to not have to even do that. I want to eliminate the problem. Maybe just asking Terena what she thinks about me and the possibility of a burdgeoning relationship would help. Then again, I don't want to jinx it, or screw it up before it goes anywhere. Things seem to be ok so far... The only thing that I think I did wrong was last night, when, while snuggling, she looked at my "Transformers: The Movie" poster and asked if there was anything I liked more than Transformers. Thinking in the way that only I do, I responded "At the risk of sounding cheesy, I like hanging out with you more than Transformers." To which she replied "that is cheesy." Was that evidence of her perhaps not thinking that as much had gone on so far as I was thinking? In fact, I think it was when she got a phone call from some guy shortly thereafter that I noticed the twinge. It must have stemmed from my perceived lack of reciprocation. Crazy thing is, I used to get annoyed when Karla would constantly tell me how much she valued our time together and how crazy about me she was. It became like a broken record. I don't want to be in the reverse situation here. While I am a notoriously slow mover, I do know that I enjoy being with Terena. What the extent of my feelings thus far are, I do not know. I know that I like talking to her and being with her, and that is something. I have some pretty strict tastes in people that I can tolerate. I have a large friend base, but it is highly selective. I have known countless other people that I choose not to associate with, for, some possibly small reasons. I should probably leave what I feel about Terena on the backburner for a bit until I get a better sense of where things are going. I am making her dinner tomorrow night for her birthday. I promised to make my "famous" death spaghetti. Which is essentially just spicy spaghetti. I hope that it turns out good, I wouldn't want to make her sick on my cooking! Wow, I think that I have just managed to put the whole point of this post behind me now. Twinge, begone!
Kudos to you who read this whole blather. I basically just sat down here at the cpu and typed whatever came into my head. If this was more information than you wanted to know, I apologize. I just needed to work some things out for myself.