The Coming Darkness or How Could you NOT Vote for him?

This is going to be a very bi-polar post.
First of all, I want to talk about the rut that I have been in recently and how it has affected me. I haven't really done anything constructive for the past month. I have not done any real work on scripts or made an effort to get off my ass and try to start filmmaking. The only positive thing I have done is to begin a new workout schedule. 2 days of workouts followed by one day of rest. It seems to be positively affecting my physique and I am happy for that. With that in mind, neglecting the creative aspects of life is causing odd things to pop into my head, usually late at night as I am trying to go to sleep. Everyone has some sort of a fear of death, I am no different. Whenever I get to thinking on that subject, a chill and shudder run through my body. The thought of no longer having consciousness scares me. Who I am is embedded in what I have experienced, and if all of that were to cease to exist... well... it's scary to think about. The shudder and chill make me want to run. Towards what I am unsure, but it is clear that it is away from "the darkness." I believe that there is a point to existence and that is directly tied to belief in some sort of soul. What truly scares me is no longer being "me." Forgetting all that I have known and experienced. Alzheimer's, which affected my grandpa, is one of my deepest fears. The concept of who we are springs out of what we were and to lose all of that terrifies me. Ever since I had that "bad trip" or panic attack, the thought of passing out and never waking up crosses my mind at various intervals. I tend to lump that in with the fear of death. Normally, I can reason myself out of these kind of fears and anxieties, but lately it's been a little harder to do so. I am having to fall asleep with the TV on in order to not allow those fears to pop into my head. I think that my inactivity and relative intellectual stagnancy lately are the cause of these thoughts. It's gotten so that I am afraid to use any substance that might make me "lose my head" for fear of never getting it back. I know deep down that it would not happen, and the types of effects that substances cause are merely temporary, but the fear remains nonetheless. I am a firm believer in the power of the individual's mind to overcome anything, and I know that I can beat this, it's just harder than normal... I guess I just need to face the fears head on...
In addition to all of this, I have had the feeling of detachment from reality. It seems like the world and where I am is not really immediate. I was just kind of coasting on fumes... For example, I saw my new niece the other day, but instead of the visceral and life affirming situation it should have been, I just kind of drifted through the event. Sometimes, I feel intensely connected with "life" and that feeling is great... the feeling of detachment is not... Once again, I am convinced that this is related to my lack of skill deployment lately. I think that I need to have an intensely visceral experience to alleviate all of this... One of the most incredible things that happened to me in the past few years was during a Tai Chi class when I finally felt chi. I could feel an energy source around me and flowing through me, especially in my hands... It was a connection to something far larger than myself and was awesome... I need to get that back... I haven't been to a Tai Chi class in a while, due to the fact that my work schedule conflicts with class times... I really should practice on my own, but the lack of adequate home space and the stupid thoughts of people laughing at me in public space (or staring in general) cause me to have less desire to do so... I need to just get the omnipresent social anxieties that I tend to experience out of my head for good... In addition to the weights, I will add some tai chi practice into my schedule... perhaps on the days of rest? I think I would benefit from a renewed effort to meditate... I tried to get into it a while back when I was devouring eastern philosophy books, but had a hard time sitting still... I figet too much... I need to overcome that as well...
All of this talk seems a little negative or self-deprecating, I realize. It's just that I have intensely high standards for the person that I want to be and I don't think that I am meeting them right now... It stems from my lack of direct focus and less than stellar drive at times... To combat this will take effort, but I am up to the task...
Today, however, does seem to be a little better. I started back into writing and brainstorming and have gotten back to serious reading. I am currently engrossed in Jack Layton's book "Speaking Out: Ideas that work for Canadians." I must say that his ideas are so well though out and developed with concrete examples from his days on Toronto's city council that I can't see why anyone would NOT vote NDP in this coming election. Clean and healthy environment, increased focus on public health, stricter focus on legislation for the public good, and better financial accountability are all areas that he goes into in great detail. The major thing he is going to have to combat is the stereotype that the NDP raises taxes and creates huge deficits by starting massive government programs. This uneducated view, while having some basis in history, is untrue of the Jack Layton NDP. He believes that, in the realm of health care, for example, that immense savings can be accrued through greater focus on preventing illness rather than treating it... He advocates so many simple ideas that all contribute to the solution that it is insane that they are NOT already in use nationally. I could gush on and on about how brilliantly well written and developed his ideas in the book are, but it might seem like me trying to influence your federal vote... Buy the book (or borrow it from me if you are too cheap) and read for yourself... I know that I will vote NDP this election, and I think that I might just volunteer for our candidate too! (Assuming I don't run myself... which I have been debating with for a while now...) Getting involved is the catalyst for positive change.