Updates or Get a Load of This

So I got a reply to my message and it went something like this:

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well, well

first of all, what i said to you was "confidential" and was not to leave the confines of our conversation. how idiotic are you, really? it takes the most simple of friends to know that was is said, if it has any negative implication or connatation, is not to be spread like wildfire to anyone and everyone who it may hurt or slight. are you really that much of an asshole to spread around shit that makes me look like a prick. and who the hell was supposed to benefit from the tidal wave of undiclosed indecision. you? how bout, if they ask if i was coming, you say "ryan doesn't know if it will be a good social" and leave it at that. not that difficult is it? jesus. i dunno what goes through your mind sometimes. and i thought you were a better friend than that. seriously.

ps your apology is insincere and vague

RM

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Once again Ryan prooves unable to get the gist of something that isn't delivered as an action line by Bruce Willis. I guess I'll have to try to make it simpler for him.

This is what I sent to him:

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when replying to an email, please read the whole thing.

Now please answer the following questions for me so I know where you are coming from here.

1. Who told you what I said?
2. What did they say I said?
3. What did they say to you in regards to this situation?
4. What impact has this had on you?

While wating for said information I will re-iterate what I know and where I stand.

Of the people I told, no one was pissed off at you other than Jay and Tyler. Tyler's brief anger left when you showed up. Jay gets mad at a lot of things and will forget about the whole thing later anyway. Neither one of them had high expectations for the social and expressed that many times. They did not think your opinion was all that far off only that it was worded poorly.

Matt and Kostas both laughed their asses off at hearing what you said and (to me) expressed disbelief that you could be so clever. As far as I know, they gave you "mad props" for your thoughts.

From what was told to me, no one took the comments I relayed to them as something that was out of the ordinary for you. Perhaps it will be shocking to you to hear this but your reputation is that of someone who lacks tact. In case you aren't sure what that word means, I will give you a definition.

def: skill in dealing with people or situations; delicate perception of the feelings of others

Everyone that I know has come to accept this as part of who you are. Occasionally they get miffed at something inadvertantly said, but for the most part they all think of you as a friend. I seriously doubt (and what was told to me confirms it) that anyone took this comment as something strange or new or that it was meant vindictively towards the organizers. People perceive you (whether rightly or wrongly) as being someone who says stupid things without always meaning to. From what I hear, no one takes offense, they just laugh it off... as was done in this situation (at least from what I was told).

Again, I cannot give anymore information without knowing the answers to the questions I posed above.

In direct response to what you have written I say this (and I believe the subject was adequately broached in my previous email). Vindictive secrets are harmfull and destructive. It is better to know the feelings of everyone involved than to plod along preserving the status quo for no other reason than to avoid change. The free exchange of ideas can only bring about the positive. I hold no qualms with telling people what I feel because I think that it is better to work out issues aloud than to keep them bottled up. I mentioned that I felt that keeping things bottled up is one of the main problems in the Matt, Kostas, etc. group and I stand by that. There is nothing good about hiding your feelings from a real friend, they should be able to understand where you come from. As is the case in this situation (at least from what I was told). But again, I can only talk from my point of view here, you need to fill me in more with answers to my questions.

Ian

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I don't know if it's any simpler... The saga will continue soon... I hope...

Oh Boy... or This Can't be Good

Well, it turns out that my relaying of what Ryan said about Jay's social got back to him. I woke up this morning to find the following in my inbox:

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well, well, well

i'd like to start this e-mail be saying, "you are an asshole."
thank you for relaying everything i said about jay's impending
social the thursday before, to him, and absolutely everybody else in
attendance, making me look like an inflated prick. that was pleasant
of you. 1) i didn't think jay's social would be good, Ian's
response: Ryan doesn't want to attend because you throw a shitty
social. thanks for that 2) i didn't think jay knew the right people
Ian's response: Jay is a loser with no social life. thanks again. 3)
i don't think it will be a good "social"type crowd. Ian's response:
Ryan is too cool for this crowd - implicated.

well, that's about it. if you reply back, you better have one
helluva good excuse for making me look and sound like a complete
dipshit. fuck u very much.

RM

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This is what I sent back to him:

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first of all, whoever told you that those words were what I said gave you some slight mis-information. Here is EXACTLY what I said to Jay, Tyler, Dave, Lee, Matt, and Kostas. Those were the people I told the story to. I said: "I was talking to Ryan last night to see if he was coming and he said 'someone with no social life has no idea how to put on a good social, why would I go to that? It won't be any good because no one (the social crowd) will show up.' Now my memory of the brief conversation we had says that those were pretty much EXACT quotes. Does that make you out to be a prick? Well yes it does. Was I saying to everyone "hey Ryan is a prick and thinks he is too cool for this social" no I was saying '"Ryan has no tact." I think that you might be startled to hear this but all those people expect things like that to come out of your mouth. No one was shocked to hear that, in fact, Matt and Kostas said that you ruled for saying that and that it was suprisingly clever of you. The only people who were upset were Jay and Tyler who you don't exactly hang out with anyway. and Jay being upset is like the sun shining, it happens pretty much every single day. I wouldn't worry too much about any of it.
second of all, don't turn this on me, I'm not the one who said that to begin with. If you want to say jerk-ish things to people without asking that they NOT be relayed, expect that to happen. Was I running around telling everyone what you said, no, I was telling it to people who were asking if you were showing up. You actually DID show up, so the people who got angry were happy enough soon after.
third of all I consider you a friend and all, but sometimes you DO act like you are better than us. ESPECIALLY when the conversation turns to girls or "social lives." It's hard to think of a night when you DIDN'T say something "prickish" about not having a girlfriend or similar such nonsense. Now I don't usually get bothered by comments like that for the most part, I more get bothered by the fact that, most people have moved beyond that sort of thing being the NORM of conversation except you and Stobart. It's like hanging out with high school kids sometimes. Again, it tends to be frustrating more than annoying, because when you're not being a "jock" you are a good friend to hang around. I will have you know that I am constantly defending you to everyone and that INCLUDES Matt and Kostas when they say something derogatory about you. I am not going to open that can of worms here and will only do so if asked.

I think this whole situation is indicitive of the brand of friendship that exists with the Matt, Kostas, Niziol, Jon, Rob group. Pretty much everyone there is VERY quick to bash other people or mis-interpret remarks said/relay things said out of context, or feel the need to constantly bring up old stories from the past to put someone down, etc. Truthfully I have pretty much given up on ever getting the majority of them to "grow up" and start acting like something other than vindictive jerks who need to inflate themselves above others. I think that what needs to happen is a serious group talk about the underlying issues that seem to be present in each of their minds about others. Now I am not trying to say that I am somehow better than them or anything, because lord knows I too slip into that mode sometimes. But the difference is, I see that as a problem and do my best to avoid it. I don't embrace it. I don't want to stop being friends with them or anything, I just want the group to evolve to something better than what it is. To do that, it's going to take a serious sit down and sharing of feelings, which will not happen with those guys in their current forms. That is part of the reason why I don't hang out with them nearly as much as I did in the past. It is just not worth it anymore.

To conclude this email (if you've continued on this far) if you were damaged in some way by the people that I told about your feelings than I'm sorry. (I am not responsible for THOSE people telling others by the way.) My intentions were not to "hurt" you, but to point out how the expectations (including mine, Jay's and Tyler's) for the social were SUPER low but it turned out pretty good in the end. I would also like to re-iterate the fact that of the people I told, only Jay and Tyler were mad but not surprised by what you said. Matt and Kostas thought it was funny and gave you props for saying that.

I am fully willing to discuss this more if you want

Ian

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Is this going to fuck up the friendship? We'll just have to wait and see I guess...

Drinking, Drinking & More Drinking or It Turned Out Pretty Good

So last night was the fundraising social for Jay's fringe festival group's cross Canada tour. Based on what Jay had said, I was expecting a disaster but it ended up being really great! I've always said that a social is what you make of it and this was no different. There were a fair number of people there that I knew so conversation was no problem. It was also my way of supporting the group by drinking a lot. I believe I had in the area of 10 drinks. I wasn't super drunk or anything, but I definitely had a bit of a buzz going on. I was most impressed with the DJ not merely playing shitty top 40 stuff. He did a good job of mixing in 60's, 70's and 80's stuff. Before I forget, Ryan said something that was really jerk-ish of him. I asked him if he was going to Jay's social and he said "people that have no social life have no idea at how to put on a good social." Then I reminded him that it was to support Jay and he said "no one is going to show up and it's going to suck, so why should I go?" Now Ryan may be a friend but this was a total cock thing to say. He did show up though in the end but when I confronted him about the evening turning out pretty awesome he said "I've been talking to people and the general consensus is thumbs down." Who the hell was he talking to? Everyone seemed to be having a good time... I think he's just a dickwad... When he says stuff like that, it makes it much harder to defend him to all the people I know that aren't all that fond of him. Mostly because he is kinda dumb, has ZERO tact, and has not really grown up since high school (he still acts the same was he did while on the high school football team). He's still my friend though. It was also strange to see Matt drinking. He was always someone who NEVER drank... this has only changed since he started to go out with Cassie, as she drinks. His reasoning is that if she is going to be drunk, he should be too... as sober he finds her annoying when drunk. Fair enough...
After the social was over and we took all the unopened beer back to the vendor, we adjourned to Tyler's apartment for some donuts, more drinking, and the inhalation of a certain substance. I didn't get home till about 4:30 am and by that time I was buzzed and a little high. I also had a really odd dream (that I think would make a cool short movie) involving a midget and nazi's running around in a maze. Damn it was fucked up...
The moral of this story is twofold: Ryan is a twat, and socials are fun when surrounded by like-minded people.

Geez We're Old or The Triplets of Belleville

Lee and I went to see "The Triplets of Belleville" tonight for a few reasons, 1: cause it looked neat and 2: cause my prof is making us. Anyway, it WAS really neat. Totally original and different from almost anything you're going to see in theatres for a while. Told almost entirely without dialogue it had a kick ass art style and a zany/bizarre storyline that never took itself too seriously. Go see it now!
After that we watched a little Gi Joe and then adjourned to the basement to look at my old Gi Joe toys. All that reminiscing led to the pulling out of old yearbooks and perusing their soft white pages. Looking at what people used to look like, who we had crushes on (we're a couple of chicks...), events from the old days.... it was too much! The conclusion was reached that our former selves needed some serious help from our current selves in many areas, including fashion, self-confidence, and taste. Oh yeah, that and we are freakin' old. High school ended for us in 1998.... that's 6 freakin' years ago... Junior High ended in 1995... Egads! It was almost TEN years ago that we were awkward early young teenagers struggling through the worst times of our lives that were also some of the best.... Where has the time gone... what the hell have I been doing??? I am sad now.... sad and tired....
Social tomorrow, don't forget!

Conflicts of Opinion or Facials for Everyone!

So today I had a facial at the incessant prompting of my mom. In truth I've had one once before, but it was a long time ago (about 2 years) and I had pretty much forgotten about it. You see, my mom goes to this place run by one of my former co-workers mom. Although I am pretty sure that she had been going there before I knew the guy but oh well... Anyway, the owner is away, so the other employee did my facial. I am so glad too, cause she was a really hot 21 year old girl. I was fairly caught off guard as my mom only said that she was around my age, not that she was smokin'. I don't know if I really impressed her with my rapier wit and goofy charm or not... it's hard to tell when someone is popping zits and rubbing cream cleansers all over your face. She DID do a really great massage thingy at the end which I assume is the common practice... but oh to believe that it isn't! Damn, I'm a loser....
While watching the Daily Show last night I got to thinking. You see, the guest was a guy who wrote a book called "Bush Country: How George W. made America a better place" or something like that. Anyway, the crowd was really against the guy and Jon Stewart kinda got pissed off at them. He said that they should respect and listen to his opinion instead of dismissing it so readily. It got me to thinking about how ideologies totally blind some people to even thinking to listen to the other side. I don't think that this guy was right (and neither did Jon Stewart) but he had some valid opinions. To not even allow those thoughts to be heard is wrong. One thing that did piss me off about the whole thing though was how the guy tried to say that he was above all of the dismissing of other people's opinions thing. Right off the bat, when asked about how his book differed from all the liberal books on George W. he said "I'm right and they're wrong." Ummmm Hello? The rest of the interview (which was really well done by the way) he presented himself off as above that sort of talk. I'm not sure that Jon Stewart really heard that comment, because if he did, I'm sure he might have made more of a deal out of it. Where was I again... oh yeah, the guys book was taking the common thoughts about George W. and proving them (I'd have to read it to believe it) wrong. The author believed that George W. is the greatest post WW2 president the U.S. has had and has made the country a better place. I would really have to read the book to see if he is able to back up his claims, as the evidence seems to dictate otherwise. Let's just run down a quick laundry list of what Bush has done: put the U.S. in its biggest deficit EVER, which this generations grandkids won't be able to pay off the interest on, alienated the rest of the world (that coalition of the willing thing is full of shit, as something like 30 of those countries on the list don't even HAVE a military let alone any money to donate to the rebuilding of Iraq), given huge tax breaks to the rich of the nation at the expense of the poor, gutted environmental regulations and begun the biggest attack on the environment EVER in U.S. history, created the single biggest attack on civil liberties EVER with the patriot act, and lined his buddies pockets with favorable ventures and breaks. I am not presuming to say that he has done NOTHING right, because I'm sure there are valid arguments for things that he has handled well, but lets not jump the gun and proclaim him some sort of great guy or anything... But then again, I am not a U.S. citizen, so my opinion on their politics is of little consequence. The one thing that was really weird on the show was how the author accused liberals of attacking George W. Bush with unfair statements, like he is Hitler. Jon Stewart pointed out how Clinton had gone through MUCH worse for 8 years by the republicans (including being accused of murder and drug dealing). The author then passed that off as being only radicals from his party, not the majority. Ummm... hello? It was the freakin campaign of the opposition and the head campaign planner that was doing most of the slandering! Wake up buddy! It's all well and good to be in denial, but don't cover shit in sugar and say it's candy. Not that I am saying Clinton was all that great or anything, cause he certainly did some shitty things too... Maybe I should leave this topic for right now... I'll come back to it again though, I promise... Damn the facial lady was hot!

Funny What a Difference a Day Makes or Fuck! I Love Cyndi Lauper

Man, I have so much more energy today to do things, its weird. I wrote my entire essay due next week tonight and it's pretty damn good if I do say so myself! I wrote it on a Family Guy episode, mostly because I figured it would work out really well for what we had to do. Essentially we had to describe the animation in terms of story and character, talk about its comic tactics and devices, say whether or not it was effective and why, compare it with another film we watched in class, and argue its importance, place in history, and how it stacks up against classics and contemporaries in a variety of ways. It had to be 5 to 7 pages and mine is 9. So far so good!
You know what, I think the reason I'm in a good mood right now/energetic is all due to the magic of Cyndi Lauper! I have been going through all her albums in order to make an ultimate mix CD of her stuff but its so hard, as she rules! I've only managed to eliminate like 10 tracks from her entire library that I DON'T like. So unless there is a CD that can have like 80 songs on it in standard format, I'm screwed. But that's not the point, her music is awesome and I feel good listening to it. If only the world was a little different and I could hang out with her (and be of comparable age to her :) to.. you know...) I'll bet she would be cool. For some odd reason I find the way she talks really hot... which is weird because she sort of sounds like Betty Boop... Maybe I find Betty Boop hot too... oh wait, I do! Anyway, the point of the whole thing is that I love Cyndi Lauper...
I ate 3 corndogs today!
It'll be good to get back to school tomorrow so that I can work out again. It's been a whole week without working out and I feel flabby and small. Need to exercise! Maybe I should get off my ass and just go and buy that Chuck Norris thingy so I can work out more at home... Of course to do that I will need a spare 300$ which I don't have. Curse money and the way it runs things!
I'm pretty wired right now so typing is a bitch. My fingers are moving so fast that I keep making tonnes of mistakes. I am already starting the next word before finishing the one I am on. I am having to backspace SOOOOOOOO much... It's kinda annoying, so I should probably stop now while I am ahead.
Friday is social night, do NOT forget people!

Returning to the Fold or I Just Didn't Feel Much Like Posting

I haven't really felt much like posting anything over the past couple of days, mostly due to the fact that I haven't really done a whole heck of a lot. I've been tracking down really old cartoons recently, early Fleischer brothers stuff, Tex Avery stuff, WW2 propaganda stuff, etc. Man, it's too bad that cartoons like that don't really get any recognition anymore, because they ruled. Maybe people just got burned out from seeing them all the time back in the twenties and thirties... Looking back from a perspective today doesn't really do much as it tempers your opinion. Either way, if you get the chance, you should totally look at some of the classic toons.
It was my dim-witted buddy Ryan's birthday bash last night and we all went bowling after playing a few drinking games at his place. Let me just say that he is the worst player EVER in a drinking game. You name the rule and he will unwittingly break it, causing himself to drink more in one go round then the rest of the people playing combined. For example, the active rules when we played were: no pointing at someone, no saying their name, no saying "shoot" and keep a thumb on the table when you drink. Ryan would manage to break all of those rules in one go and be forced to take like 4 drinks on EVERY turn. Needless to say, he was pretty wasted. During the bowling itself, he was throwing balls down the aisle (and getting yelled at by the pin jockeys), spinning around like a moron, near-stripping, and making out with his girlfriend in ways I did not want to envision let alone see. While on the subject of his girlfriend, Tina, I will say that she was even MORE drunk then Ryan and showed us a new side of her personality that we were not privy to before. She is normally very quiet and shy, but she was loud and obnoxious, telling us all about Ryan's inadequacies in the bedroom, the stupid things he says to her, and the stuff that he does that pisses her off. It was really funny!
The evening saw the slight return of Matt to the fold. He is someone who we used to see all the time, but ever since he got a new girlfriend, I've seen him less and less. In fact, I don't think I've hung out with him once in the past 4 months. I'm not angry or anything, I mean more power to him if he can find a girl who can stand him (he's very obnoxious and show-offy) but I would like to see the guy a little more than once in four months. I mean when I was going out with my last girlfriend I always made sure that I still made time for my friends... although that might have been a detriment to my romantic relationship. I looked at it more like me not selling out. I will stay with my principles. If someone is looking to get to know me cool, but she has to accept that I am not going to ditch my friends for her. The two worlds can co-exist if you try. Too many guys forget their friends when they meet a girl. They spend all their time with the lady and none with their buddies. Priorities people! I mean sex is great and all, but it's not the ONLY thing in life. I detect a little rambling here again...
I've got very little drive to do anything today... which is bad because I have a paper due march 4th that I should be starting and a script/storyboard that I should get working on... oh well... there's always tomorrow...

Sometimes I Amaze Even Myself or Addendum to a Previous Post

Wow, today I got a lot done! Lets see, after getting up at 11am I managed to squeeze in the following: shower, eat 3 meals, work out, finish off the Spider-man TV Series DVD, read some old Gi Joe comics, write and finish my essay for the Guy Maddin class, hang out with Terena for a bit, shovel the driveway(admittedly not a long task), take the dog for a walk, watch some Seinfeld, peruse the internet for a while.... and I still have like 3 waking hours of time left! Damn I rule sometimes!
Oh yeah, I just wanted to add something to the horrible improv story. While up there I did have one funny line pop into my head, but it was something sooooo offensive that I decided against saying it. At one point Jay walked on the stage and said "Hail Hitler" during the Indiana Jones bit. I thought of yelling out "Quick! Hide your jews!" but did not. Let me just reiterate the fact that it was a JOKE and not serious...

Another Day Another Dollar or I Ate Some Fried Chicken

So not too much has gone on the past couple of days. I had to work both Sunday and Monday evenings, which apart from having some stupid girl get all bitchy at me about her bags was fairly uneventful. Seriously though, people need to lighten up about stuff. This girl got all pissy at me about how I was handling her stuff then said that she didn't trust me to transfer them to the right bus later. THEN she got angry at me because I wasn't helping her carry them inside (which is not my job, but I have no problem doing if I am not busy and if someone asks politely). Neither situation was in the affirmative zone. Ugh!
Lee and I went to visit Ashley at some Warhammer gathering thingy at the Dark Zone. Having at one time been a member of that "type" (I never actually played Warhammer, but in Junior High I played D & D) I feel that I am uniquely qualified to call them dorks/nerds. Essentially, that whole world is an attempt to escape from the issues in life that really matter and then hide away from that fact by saying that it's simple fun or a social experience. Pretending that you are something/someone else is more than that people! I get Warhammer because it is like a really complicated board game, but not D & D. Seriously, just go live your own god-damned life already! I could be being a little too harsh here though...
I watched "Secretary" yesterday and "Hairspray" tonight, getting a little closer to finishing off the 7 rented movies. Both films were pretty good in their own weird ways. "Hairspray" was a fun little ditty that made me want to be a early fifties dancing star... oh the curse of being a clutsy white guy! "Secretary" was a different story. I don't get masochism. I understood and appreciated the movie for what it was, but I just don't see the allure of that lifestyle. Ah well...
I should probably go to bed as I have a long day of doing little to nothing tomorrow... oh yeah, I ate some fried chicken tonight because for some odd reason I had a hankering for some... weird eh?

Egads! I'm Bad at Improv or Why The Hell Did I Do That?

Tonight was one of those nights that I wish I had thought something through better before doing it, which is rare for me because usually I overthink things. Jay was doing a little stand up for some variety show thingy at the old Music Baron downtown. Most of the stuff shown was kinda shitty, but it meant well. Anyway, they did an improv thingy and asked for someone from the audience who had never done improv before to come up and join in. I figured "what's the worst that could happen?" The audience was small and full of people that I didn't know... Man did I suck... And it wasn't just the sucking part, when I did join in, apparently I insulted everyone. One of the participants was Ron Moore, generally a pretty funny guy. When there used to be open mic night at the Zen Lounge (which I participated in twice) he would go up and do bits totally off the top of his head. Sometimes they were really funny, other times so so. Well anyway, during the improv thing, I tapped in and said that to him, asking him if he had a bit planned for later in the night (as he was doing stand up later) or if he was just going to go up and ramble in front of us for 10 minutes again. That was ok, but it was later that really took the cake for suckness. I tapped in and said to this guy (who had an Indiana Jones type look) "Man Indiana Jones is sooooooooo gay, he totally takes it up the pooper from George Lucas..." Then I kinda pushed him... why the hell I did that I don't know... When I was put in later, I (after telling the audience to expect a really bad Sean Connery impression) said to the guy "Hey look behind you Indy" to which he answered "what?" I then said "Precisely, there's nothing there! All the seats are empty! No one's there!" I had actually blanked on something to say and was covering my ass but Jay and Rob both thought that I was insulting the performers and fact that there were only a few people there! Jay got semi-mad at me saying that I insulted everyone there... I didn't mean to! I had never done improv before and it REALLY showed. I sucked ass. I wouldn't even give them my name afterwards I felt so bad. Although Ron Moore didn't seem to think I had insulted him, as Jay brought it up afterward with him and his reaction was not one of agreement. I apologized anyway. Then one of the other guys shook my hand and said "pleasure to work with you" but I think he was just being nice. Fuck! I will never do improv again. I am pretty quick witted under normal circumstances, but in improv I just blanked! Fucking Hell I was terrible. I feel awful now.
The evening was saved however buy a band that went up after and played some songs. At the end of their last song, the lead singer went nuts and started to jump around and smash stuff. He totaled the mic! He also broke his amp and the cymbals! It was pretty cool.
After that was over, we went karaoke-ing at the Limelight. I sang "Sex Machine" by James Brown and "And When I Die" by Blood, Sweat, and Tears. I did ok... I think the spectre of my awful improv performance was hanging over my head... You want to know the worst part of it all? They were taping the variety show thingy... that means that they have a copy of me sucking ass. I'm sure at some point in the future that tape will come back to haunt me... I will never do improv again.... FUCK

Again With the 99 Cent Movie Night or You Just Want to Double Team Me!

Tonight was another abuse of the 99 cent rental night at Pick a Flick. This time I went with Lee and Ashley. I rented: Auto Focus, Gangster No.1, Hairspray, The Good Girl, Secretary, The Limey, and Croupier. All movies that I had been meaning to see, but had never gotten around to. We watched "Auto Focus" partly because Ashley has a weird fetish for Willem Dafoe but also because it was about the crazy sex life of Bob Crane, star of Hogan's Heroes. It was definitely a neat story but not something that I would buy or anything. The last half hour of the film really changed gears too (lighting, camera style, music, etc.) It became way darker. Totally weird... I like hanging out with Ashley because she shares my dislike for a great many things. Like when we were watching "The Daily Show" and Drew Barrymore was on. I spent the whole time bashing her and her stupidity. Lee didn't share my dislike for her, he thought she was giddy. Oh well, at least Ashley shared my hatred.
Ashley works at Value Village which reminds me that I need to shop there more. If I am going to simplify my life, I need to start by not spending money on clothes. Granted I almost never buy clothes, but when the time comes, I need to buy slightly used ones instead. That way I avoid supporting the evil mega-corporations and stuff... And besides, I want to start to wear things with wide lapels... the only way to get that kind of stuff is used.
Oh yeah, today officially starts my Spring Break! Yayy!!! Now if only I had something planned... well... other than homework... :(

My Class with Guy Maddin or Superior Time Saving Prowess

Wednesday night I have an evening class at the U of M taught by semi-world-famous film director Guy Maddin. He's a super nice and down to earth guy who just happens to be weird enough to make the class interesting. He always seems to feel the need to tell us all about how he came to like the film he screens which is usually a story about his personal life at the time. Stories about being dumped, having some dude put a finger in his bum under the assumption that he was gay (he's not), stories about crawling through hair chutes in his parents beauty parlor, etc. It's pretty entertaining stuff. Well anyway, tonight he screened for us his new movie called "Cowards Bend the Knee." It was a really weird little ditty about a guy who thinks that his hands were replaced with those of his girlfriend's dead father. He then starts to murder people and whatnot... oh yeah... at one point he commands an army of wax hockey players to come to life! The whole thing was silent and shot in really old black and white style. It was definitely one of those movies that makes you say what the fuck? But in a good way. Watching it, I was kinda blase about it, but the more I thought about it and the more Guy told us about how a lot of it was fucked up stuff from his dreams and intuition, the more I liked it. It is not something that I would ever think to make, as I am more in the goofy comedy genre, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it for what it was.
The best part of the evening was how I was able to go to the library and photo copy some notes for Animated Film. I figured that I would have to do it tomorrow after yoga ends at 8pm, which conflicted with my wanting to party down after class. Getting it done tonight was a time saver! I rule!
I also finished reading "Affluenza: The All Consuming Epidemic" today and I totally recommend it. I probably bookmarked more pages of that book with interesting quotes and facts than any book that I have read in a long time (with the exception of "The Vanishing Country" by Mel Hurtig). The past year and a half or so I have been trying to do, what I call "purging the excess" or getting rid of all the crap that I have amassed over the years. Thus far I got rid of all my old video game magazines (of which I had a LOT from circa 1990-1998), paired down my toy collection considerably (man did I have a lot...), trimmed my comic, movie and video game collections down to the essentials, gotten rid of old clothes that I did not need to save, old notes, etc. While I have done a great deal of paring down of all the useless "stuff" that I had accumulated over the years, I still have a long way to go. There is so much more I need to do to become a "simpler" person. I need to continue to evaluate my life and my life choices. I think that I am on the right track, however. Must purge the affluenza bug...

What Have I Been Doing? or Meh...

The lack of updates over the past couple of days stems from my laziness... that and the fact that I haven't really done anything of interest. Well that's not true, as I did go see "City of God" with Jay Tuesday night. Man, that was a crazy good movie. To steal a quote from someone (I think Roger Ebert) it's the Brazilian Goodfellas! If you want to see a movie with 10 year olds running around killing people then this is for you. Granted there are many people not 10 years old doing some killing on screen, but hey, you take what you can get. In all seriousness though, the flm worked because of its visual style that fit perfectly with the chaos happening on screen and the way it presented the realities of street life in Rio (or so I assume). It's almost the mid-term break and I really need to start to work on my final project for Animated Film. I have done some sketches and plotted out the basic storyline, but have not gone beyond that. I am mostly doing this so that I can get more practice writing screenplays and to not have to write a final exam. With there being no exam in my other class this term it's gonna be sweet to finish in the first week of April and have almost 2 months off before the start of spring term (I hope I get into the Filmmaking class.....)
On an off topic (are there really any off topics when you don't really have one to begin with) the more I watch "The Critic" the more I see just how much "Family Guy" owes to it. "The Critic" was the first animated show to really exploit the crazy situation aside that "Family Guy" uses so well. You know, when a character mentions something silly and the scene quickly cuts to a fantasy sequence. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this??? Either way, both shows are funny, so you should check them out (if you haven't already). Back to the nothing!

Clearing up the Confusion or Before and After: Part 2

Yay, I made the phone call (although it took a while to ask the question) and cleared up the confusion. I now know where I stand with Terena (at least better than I did before). I asked her what the status between us was and she said: "we can still do what we were doing, but I am still going to go out with other guys." I can live with that I guess. She also said that she "was not really looking for anything more, that's not to say that it won't change later on." Which essentially means that she just wants to have fun, not go toward anything serious, at least at this time. She also added "I am not really a good girlfriend and I am a heartbreaker." Strangely enough, Dave had said to me when I first mentioned that I was interested in her that I should "be careful not to get my heart broken." I guess this is another example of why sometimes it's better to be super guarded with your emotions and stuff. See if I had let myself get too worked up (I only let myself get a little worked up this time) then I might be really upset right now, but I am not. I mean sure, I am a little disappointed that she is not interested in seeing where a relationship could go right now, but it's not like she said she didn't want to hang out or anything. So you get a little from column A in exchange for not getting any column B. I am just glad that I know what is going on now, as being confused was doing me no good. Now I can focus on my other stuff that I have to do, like writing and doing homework. The real lesson from all of this is that my first instincts are right (ie) don't let yourself get excited about things and don't be too open with your emotions). That might sound cynical (and I guess it is) but it's worked thus far, with only a few hiccups along the way (of which this would be one.) Off to new challenges!

Chronicles of the Silly or Before and After: Part 1

Today I'm going to do a little experiment. I am going to chronicle my thoughts on a subject before and after I find out what is actually going on. The subject is my current status with Terena and the event that I am writing before and after is a phone call to her. This stems from the little party that she had last night. Now I am fully aware that I am possibly getting all worked up over nothing and may end up looking stupid, but when has that ever stopped me before!
Ok here goes... so I guess the place to start is with the fact that I was looking forward to last night as a chance to really see what the situation that I was in with her exactly was. I figured that being around all her friends and with her drunk, would be a good way to gauge what she thought about me... if she was "close" than maybe there was some hope. I thought that the whole lack of inhibitions thing would be a good way to find out the "truth." With that in mind, I decided to try my hand at baking some cookies for her, as she had done for me. Expecting disaster, I was pleasantly surprised when they turned out pretty alright. I made banana-chocolate chip cookies from a recipe book I found in the drawer. Despite the slight hiccups of not knowing what the hell sifting flour was (I feel stupid), needing to buy more shortening, and making the first batch of cookies in dinosauric proportions, I did good work! They ended up being tasty and stuff. With that out of the way, I went off to work. An uneventful and easy shift that allowed me to start to read "Affluenza: The All-Consuming epidemic" followed with much relaxing and rejoicing. That left nothing to do but pick up Jay, get changed, and head out to Headingly. Man, to show you how silly and lame I am, I decided to wear this zip-up sweater thingy that my previous girlfriend gave to me (because I apparently look hot in it) but as I was putting it on, I remembered that the last time I went to a party wearing it in the hopes that a certain girl might notice, I was disappointed. I thought it might be bad luck. Then I thought that I was being an idiot so I wore it anyway... turns out it IS bad luck! Caught ya off guard there eh???
So ANYway... Jay and I head out to the party, not having too much difficulty in finding the place, only to discover that no one was there! They were still at the Headingly bar. So off we went. Not expecting much, we were pleasantly surprised to find a pretty awesome blues band jamming there. So the backing music was good at least. Walking in there, being greeted by Terena with a big hug (she does that to everyone though) and handing over my cookies (which prompted another hug) all seemed ok. I was kinda hoping for a kiss hello, but not receiving one is not too big a deal. Jay and I grabbed an empty table beside Terena and her friends table. She came over and sat on my arm rest and briefly started to talk to me. Then something caught her eye (another friend) to which she said "I'll be right back" and ran off. For the rest of the time there, she never came back. She was moving around and talking to other people. The aforementioned twinge tried to rear its ugly head, but I subdued it. Not getting to speak to her was kind of a bummer, but I figured that there would be more time later at the house portion of the evening. After a time, everyone adjourned to her place.
The situation didn't really "improve" all that much there either. I barely got to say two sentences to her the whole time. Thinking about why this bothered me, I think that it is another symptom of that stupid twinge. "She should be talking to ME" or something. I did manage to suppress/deal with other instances of it over the course of the night though... Anyway, Jay did not seem to be having all that much fun there, so we took off around 2am. While on the subject of Jay, I have noticed that whenever I go to a party with him, I end up staying with him the whole night, as he really hates most people. If I were to leave him alone, then he would have NO fun, so I feel like I need to amuse him. This tends to put a damper on any other plans I might have, as he is not the most approachable person in the world to others. But whatever, Jay is one of my best friends. Back to the story... the only time I really got to say much of anything to Terena was as we were leaving. I asked her if she wanted to get together Sunday or Monday (I have both days off). She said that she was doing something with Lize Monday and was cleaning the house Sunday. I offered to help her clean to which she responded with something along the line of "I made the mess, it's my responsibility to clean it up" to which I added "but I WANT to help." This was my (I thought) not so subtle way of saying that I wanted to be with her... I guess it was too subtle... She said just to call her Sunday... which leaves us at the whole point of this long winded post. I don't know where I stand with her at this point in time. We hung out a fair bit the past week and a half and had progressed to the kissing stage. I thought that was a good sign. That's why I figured that at the party there might have been a further evolving. To find a DEvolving made me question whether or not what we had done meant anything at all... I tend to be pretty guarded with my feelings so I don't usually let myself get excited about stuff like this to avoid having my hopes come crashing down (which has happened in the past) but this time I think I let myself get a little too excited. I blame that on the fact that Terena is so damn fun to be around and talk to. If we didn't seem to "click" so well, I wouldn't have let my hopes get so high. Where I stand right now is: I want/need to know what exactly she thinks of me and where (if anywhere) this is going. I am expecting perhaps that she will just want to remain friends, which while still cool, kinda sucks. Just being able to be around her is great, but so would being in a relationship. FUCK. I tend to do stuff like this a lot... get all worked up thinking about something so much that I get tied up on little things only to find out that they are not as big as I made them out to be... The only difference here is that I am forcing these thoughts onto other people by writing them down in this here blog thingy. Maybe "peering into the mind of Ian" isn't as much of a good trip as you thought eh??? What that in mind, I am going to make a phone call now and see where I stand...

Chopping off the Excess or Looking Pretty!

Nothing extraordinary has happened to me in the past couple of days. Wednesday night I hung out with Lee and watched "Lost in Translation" as he had not seen it yet. Man, I really dig that movie. It's so different from the schlock that escapes Hollywood's ass these days. A story that takes its time to develop, establishes strong characters, and builds a believable relationship. While watching it this time, the ending got me closer to tears than I have been in a while. Not hearing what Bill Murray says to Scarlett Johannsen was brilliant. You are free to imagine anything there you want. It was more the emotion of the moment that got to me, but again, I was not able to cry. I don't think, apart from laughing myself to tears, that I have seriously cried in a long time. The last time that pops into my head was from watching "The Green Mile" with Rob... and that was like 2 years ago! There have been a lot of moments where I have felt the emotion brewing beneath the surface, but then when I try to let it flow forth it won't. Sometimes that makes me think that I might have distanced myself a little too much from my own emotions and that they can't come out anymore. Other times I don't really worry about it. I'm sure something will break through eventually. Last night I hung out with Dave and watched "American Splendor." He had not seen it and seemed to really dig its vibe. Being an artist himself, he seemed to be inspired by the Harvey Pekar story. I'd be lying if I said that the "success" of Pekar didn't make me feel hopeful for my own future as well.
The past couple of days I have been trimming my increasingly lengthening hair. I want to keep growing it for a while, to see how things turn out, but it needed some tailoring. The back had grown substantially longer than the rest and was bordering on mullet-dom so I had to lop some off. It might have been better to use scissors that weren't sewing scissors, but oh well... I must have taken off almost 2 inches once I evened it all out (which was a challenge with the shitty little mirror that I took from my mom's room). After that I decided to snip my "Fake sideburns." See, I can't grow real sideburns, so I let the hair around that area grow longer and hang down. Living in blissful ignorance was fine, until Terena said that they didn't look like sideburns, especially when they were as long as they were. I actually thought that they were fooling people, as the few who I told about them seemed surprised to find out their real source. I guess they were just humoring me??? Anyway, now that I trimmed them (they were almost down to my freakin' chin!) they look more like actual sideburns. We'll see what happens now!
Tomorrow night is Terena's birthday party, which should be fun. She is having a gaggle of people over to her place to celebrate. She warned me that she "loses herself" when she drinks and acts really crazy. She pre-emptively apologized for anything that might happen. The more pondering over that statement I do, the more I hope that it is a good sign. I hope that it isn't something along the lines of "I know that you really like me, so forgive me if I do anything to make you upset when I am drunk." And by that I mean, "I know that YOU like ME, so..." I don't want to be the only one looking for reciprocation here. Jesus I'm insecure sometimes... This is another example of something that I think too much on and get worked up over nothing (I hope!). I just need to go with the flow a little more and relax. I'm sure everything will turn out all right in the end.
Man... I don't know about me sometimes... I am both really easy-going and really anxiety prone... Maybe the two extremes I have balance me out perfectly?!?! Rather than maintain a stable middle ground, I jump from side to side like an insane frog. Oh well, I seem to be getting along fine...

I Have No Willpower or FUCK!

So after going a whole month without spending anything on myself/buying anything I go and do this. Sunday I went shopping with Terena to use my gift certificates for. I picked up a couple of books: "The Culture of Fear" and "Affluenza" and a DVD "The Critic: The Complete Series." I figured that was enough to keep me busy for a while. Then today happened. I was downtown dropping off my U of W form and decided "hey, I'm right by A & B Sound, I should stop in." I walked out with a couple of cheap CD's and The New Spiderman animated series Season 1. Then I remembered that I really wanted to get "Lost in Translation" on DVD but A & B was sold out. Noticing that "American Splendor" was also released, I decided to stop in at Future Shop on my way home. Bad Idea. I walked out of there with not only "Lost in Translation" and "American Splendor" but also "GI Joe Season 1 Part 1" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 1." Now all of these things are DVD's that I wanted to buy at some point anyway.. but the issue is that I just bought them all at fucking once. Now I am 250$ poorer for no really valid reason other then the fact that I suck. FUCK. I am trying to cut back on the stuff that I buy... FUCK... Oh well, at least they all rule...

I Can Too Cook or Lee's Key Turning Troubles

So last night I decided to make a little dinner type of thing for Terena. I actually planned it and everything! I had mentioned that one of the things that I am pretty good at cooking was "death" spaghetti. Which is essentially just spicy spaghetti. So I offered to cook for her, what with it being her birthday on Thursday and all. I went all out! I made the sauce from scratch... well sort of. I used a tin of crushed tomatoes, but I added all the other stuff in myself! Oh and by the way, I hate electric can openers... They confound me! So anyway, I had a mixture of: Carrots, Red and Yellow Peppers, Onions, Mushrooms, Cashews, Celery, and Broccoli combined with a sauce containing curry, cayenne, pepper, banana peppers, oregano, and this weird chilli oil thingy we have. I also used cooking wine this time. All in all, it didn't turn out as spicy as normal, but it seemed to be pretty good. Terena didn't get sick, so that's pretty awesome. I also had made some Caesar salad, picked up some fresh French bread, and even bought a red velvet cake from the Salisbury house (ok my Mom bought it, but still). All in all, I think the food portion of the evening went really well. (No vocal complaints at least!) After that, we decided to watch "The Cat's Meow" the last of the 7 movies I rented that I had not seen. I liked it for the most part. It was mostly interesting because of the characters. They were all real celebrities from the early days of film. Charlie Chaplin, Marion Davies, William Randolph Hearst, etc. It was neat to see them in a context apart from the surviving historical ones. While the story may or may not be true, it made for an entertaining little flick. I wouldn't say it was the best movie ever or anything, just a decent way to spend an hour and 45 minutes. Terena was tired and ended up falling asleep in my arms. That put a slight damper on any "not watching the movie" I might have been up for. Ah well, such is life. Then at about midnight, I get a call from Lee who was begging me to come pick him up from work as his key would not work in the ignition of his car. He didn't have to beg, I would've helped him out in a heartbeat. But it's fun to make people think that you are being put out (sometimes). So with Terena in tow, we went off the the AOV to pick up Lee (rhyme!). Gratefulness abounded although Lee was kinda ticked off about some other goings on in his life. His plans of going to England for the next two years hit a little snag as his co-traveler was not allowed into the country! Maybe she is a terrorist??? Ahhh, I'm sure it'll work out fine, and then I won't see the dude for 2 years... Who will I talk 80's wrestling with??? :( Anyway, once depositing him at his parents, I returned to my place with Terena as she had to be going, what with working in the morning and all. She made a pre-emptive apology for anything she might do on Saturday night (her birthday bash) as she said she is terrible at holding her liquor and says and does things that she doesn't mean. Would that be a good sign then? The fact that she is worried about me getting upset if her drunken behavior veers off into certain territories?? Does that mean that she thinks that we might be able to go somewhere with whatever it is we have right now? I would be interested in pursuing a relationship with her at this point. She is great to be around and talk to (which is a MUST for me) and the fact that she is super hot is not a deterrent at all either :) Hopefully I don't screw it all up or something. I am so lame that whenever I think about this subject I find some wood to knock on in the hopes that it will prevent anything from derailing the possible train I am on right now. It's pretty silly I know... Oh well.... I should probably get going and doing something constructive today, like take my U of W application thingy in...

Thinking out Loud or That Stupid Little Twinge

I warn anyone that is about to read this post that I am merely thinking aloud here. I am going to ponder over something and it might not be the best of reads. If you are still interested in lingering on, bravo ye brave space pirate. Here goes... The more that I have been hanging out with Terena (thus far we have progressed to the kissing stage of things) the more I have noticed a little twinge in the back of my head. That is not to say that I never noticed it before, but now I am addressing it. Whenever there has been a girl that I have liked, a small little feeling, which I assume is jealousy, pops into the back of my head when another guy does certain things. Those things might be commenting about her to his friends, talking to her, leering at her, or merely being her friend from before. When I first noticed this feeling, I tended to justify it by saying that "other guys are only interested in one thing, they don't respect her, they aren't interested in her as a person, they objectify her, they just want to get into her pants at some point, etc" That is to say, I was putting myself ahead of others for the reason that I thought I was after something more substantial than just a "good time." When I finally entered into a serious relationship with Karla (at least at first) I put that feeling into a different level. It became stronger. That was due to the fact that Karla was fairly striking and many guys would leer at her. I thought to myself sometimes, that it was my duty to keep her safe. As that relationship progressed and I became less and less interested the feeling tended to only pop in at infrequent intervals. Now with Terena, at least last night, I felt that little twinge again. At this point, I have no justification for it. I have only done the whole evening of kissing thing with her twice, so I have no real claim or anything. But for some reason the fact that she has a great deal of guy friends conjured up the slight jealous feeling. The more I think about it, the more stupid it is. Maybe deep down I want the girl I am with to only have girl friends (or at least primarily) in the same vein that I mostly have guy friends. Maybe I think deep down that guys and girls can't really maintain a platonic relationship without someone having feelings. Perhaps this sentiment arises from a cynicism about the average guys constant want for sex from anyone who is carrying the correct utensils. This is irrational, as I know a great many guys that have friends that are girls. Maybe I am unconvinced that, given the opportunity, they would say no to sex with any one of those girls who happen to be friends. Would I??? I sometimes place myself on a pedestal because I have said no to sex a few times. Why do I do this? I am not the only one to have done this. And my reasons were more to keep my own self opinion higher. If I do not engage in rampant sex with lots of girls then I am "better" than the crowd. Then again, why does that even matter? Why do I always have to be better than everyone else in my "self." Is my knowledge and interest base of subjects really that elevating? I mean sure I am interested in the world beyond myself, but so are many others... It must be the cynicism that I have with regards to "society" and its blindness to what is really going on in the world. My self-aggrandizing ways stem from that. Because I am not a "mindless sheep" consuming and doing "nothing" I think I am better. The average person that I see (at bars, or wherever) is seemingly content with watching football, going to the bar, getting hosed, chasing skirts, etc. They don't seem to be looking for anything more to life. Maybe I need to try harder to find what it is that I am looking for in life. I have studied some oriental philosophy and found it very intriguing. The concept of the Tao, the wisdom of Shambhalla, etc. I try to focus more on figuring out who I really am, but sometimes get too caught up in the "world." With things like school, job, hobbies, etc. Maybe I need to seriously take time out and meditate on things. But I am so damn fidgety. It's freakin' hard to sit still for prolonged periods of time. Fuck. The whole fact that it is hard is the point. If you can't get past the simple fact of sitting still, you are never going to find "yourself." I seriously need to slow down a little. Damn, I sure seem to have strayed a little from the concept of jealousy. Oh well, I'll get back to it now. The thing with Terena is that I have no base for feeling any form of jealousy. Not just with her, with anyone. I need to focus on how jealousy forms. It seems to come from the thought that someone likes someone else better than you. By merely telling myself that the person I am currently with (in this case Terena) is with my by choice, I should be able to get over it. It could also come from not being "the first." Why does that even matter? Who gives a damn about the past of someone, it's the present that should matter. I just have to keep the thought that the other person's past has made them what they are today. After the situation with Karla, I know that I need to get over people's past "encounters." Her (moderately) extensive list of previous "rendezvous' " was a stumbling block for me. I think it was due to the whole STD scare that she had. I don't ever want to get an STD. I want to be clean! Although the more I think about it, the more I think that this is just another form of putting myself on the peak, so to speak (that rhymed!) If I am "not infected" than that puts me a notch above everyone who is. Why the fuck does that matter? It's weird because I am a firm believer in social equality. I think that everyone should be treated equal. So then why should I try to find ways for myself to be better than others... Maybe I am just trying to find a way for me to feel "special." Instead of focusing on what I can do good, which, when I do, I just get the feeling that I am not all that good at it... someone else is way better. But I am good at things... I think that I have a really strong creative side, that when unleashed, has greatness in it. I just need to have more faith in myself. Maybe all of this simply boils down to my sometimes low sense of self worth in myself. The need to put myself higher, the slight twinge of jealousy... they both seem to stem from my lack of ego. I know that sometimes I project a sense of ego externally, but really I don't have one... In fact, mine is more of a negative ego. It tends to put me down more than it builds me up. I am tempted to say that I should just ignore this, but then the only real way to truly know yourself is to examine what you feel and think. The more I focus on what the root of my feelings are, the better off I will be. When I started this post, I hoped that I could get over feeling that little twinge of jealousy over girls. I think that I am getting closer to that goal. I know that I would never let my jealousy come out... it is always something that I would deal with on my own, but I hope to not have to even do that. I want to eliminate the problem. Maybe just asking Terena what she thinks about me and the possibility of a burdgeoning relationship would help. Then again, I don't want to jinx it, or screw it up before it goes anywhere. Things seem to be ok so far... The only thing that I think I did wrong was last night, when, while snuggling, she looked at my "Transformers: The Movie" poster and asked if there was anything I liked more than Transformers. Thinking in the way that only I do, I responded "At the risk of sounding cheesy, I like hanging out with you more than Transformers." To which she replied "that is cheesy." Was that evidence of her perhaps not thinking that as much had gone on so far as I was thinking? In fact, I think it was when she got a phone call from some guy shortly thereafter that I noticed the twinge. It must have stemmed from my perceived lack of reciprocation. Crazy thing is, I used to get annoyed when Karla would constantly tell me how much she valued our time together and how crazy about me she was. It became like a broken record. I don't want to be in the reverse situation here. While I am a notoriously slow mover, I do know that I enjoy being with Terena. What the extent of my feelings thus far are, I do not know. I know that I like talking to her and being with her, and that is something. I have some pretty strict tastes in people that I can tolerate. I have a large friend base, but it is highly selective. I have known countless other people that I choose not to associate with, for, some possibly small reasons. I should probably leave what I feel about Terena on the backburner for a bit until I get a better sense of where things are going. I am making her dinner tomorrow night for her birthday. I promised to make my "famous" death spaghetti. Which is essentially just spicy spaghetti. I hope that it turns out good, I wouldn't want to make her sick on my cooking! Wow, I think that I have just managed to put the whole point of this post behind me now. Twinge, begone!
Kudos to you who read this whole blather. I basically just sat down here at the cpu and typed whatever came into my head. If this was more information than you wanted to know, I apologize. I just needed to work some things out for myself.